Lost Love

Early loves are incredibly powerful and, with the internet, increasingly accessible. In a survey of more than 3,000 people, in Time magazine in 2000, nearly 60% said they often thought about their first loves. Dr Nancy Kalish, from California State University, who has done the bulk of research into 'lost loves', estimates that 10% of people try to get in touch with one. There are no numbers for those who get in touch and immediately remember why they split up in the first place.

Of 2,500 couples who reunited, most did so with someone they'd loved before the age of 22; they'd split up because they'd been too young, had moved away or their parents had disapproved. People who were cheated on did not go back for more. The first 1,000 couples Kalish found in the 1990s were mostly single when they found their first love; 40% got together within three weeks and most got married, with 70% still together in 2004. They said they felt emotionally intense and comfortable with each other. But sexually it was more like slipping into stilettos than slippers.

Why are these relationships so compelling? Psychiatrists from the University of California talk of early love experiences being chemically hard-wired into the brain. Your ex grew up with you, knows your family and set the standard for love.

[Luisa Dillner]

To hell with twenty

"What kind of life course am I going to follow?" "What kind of possibility can I find there?" I can understand their sense of instability about their present position and their future. Around the age of twenty, I was as unstable as they are now, or my case must have been far worse than what the word 'unstable' means.

If a god appears here and asks me if I'd like to go back to the age of twenty again, I will probably decline by saying "I appreciate your offer, but I am quite satisfied with the way I am now." If you pardon me, I want to say frankly "To hell with my twenties."

[Haruki Murakami]

A healthy distance

You know one thing, when I ask people: when was the last time you looked at your husband and wife, and you felt desire. And you know what they always say? Not: "When we were like this [she holds a hand up, very close to her face], staring into each other's eyes and holding hands." No.

It's always: "When I saw her giving some talk or some presentation, like at work or something, and she didn't even know I was there." Or: "When he was about to go windsurfing, and he was so in his own with me or the kids."

It's when they see the distance between them, when they recognise that person as completely separate from them! That's when they felt erotic desire. And that's what you must keep in a relationship, to keep the sex.

[Esther Perel]

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The Golden Rule

And so you have a choice like what do I wanna do, how cool do I want to be, what do I wanna be like.

And all I thought was 'how would I want someone to be to me?'

I didn't think, 'What would be the coolest way to be? What's gonna be easier, or harder, or better, or worse?' I just thought like, well my favourite band, if I was going to see them, what would I be psyched about? What would make me happy if my favourite band did that?

Essentially the golden rule, which doesn't just apply to music or bands or anyone in that position, to everyone, whether you're working at a grocery store or a bank or you're a mom or a dad or a brother or going to school or whatever it's just following that rule.

[Andrew WK]

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