The Right Match

Carbon symbolizes the marriage-idea in Nature. Its one equator is the bond of its unity. It is no longer a pair - and that is what marriage in Nature means, and what it should mean in man's mating practices.

Divided pairs have opposed attributes. The negatives of pairs are metallic acids - the positives are metallic alkalis. All are conductive, for conductivity is a search for balance.

[...] An example of unbalanced mating in Nature is that of the marriage of sodium and iodine or sodium and bromine. Each of these marriages has stability but there is a residue of unbalance in each of them which is evidenced in distorted cube crystals.

Each of them would likewise continue as harmonious marriages unless chlorine appeared, in which case Nature would immediately annul the marriage in favor of chlorine.

[Walter Russell]
A New Concept of the Universe, p113-14

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When healthy persons come together, they each contribute a whole world, because each brings a whole person.

[D.W. Winnicott]
Home Is Where We Start From ('The Meaning of the Word 'Democracy''), p. (unknown)

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Problems arise in interpersonal relationships when people are out of balance [...] The old saying opposites attract is actually true in many cases.

I'm sure many of us can think of examples of relationships in which one person is very rational and non-emotional, and the other person is very emotional and seemingly irrational. What happens in this situation is people see in each other what they don't have in themselves, and by getting together they kind of complete each other's circles.

These people can interact in the physical and spiritual realms but when [the rational person] wants to be rational there is conflict because the [irrational person] has to operate outside of their circle. And the opposite is also true.

[...] The reason there is conflict is because they are constantly trying to pull each other outside of their comfort zones. Oftentimes these people will remain together, because even though there is a lot of conflict, each person provides for the other the aspects of life that are not developed within themselves.

In an ideal situation, both people will develop their wheels fully before trying to start a relationship or a marriage. In this way they can interact equally on all four levels and provide each other balance through harmony rather than through conflict.

[Don Warne]
The Medicine Wheel

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No two men but, being left alone with each other, enter into simpler relations. Yet it is affinity that determines which two shall converse. Unrelated men give little joy to each other; will never suspect the latent powers of each.

We talk sometimes of a great talent for conversation, as if it were a permanent property in some individuals. Conversation is an evanescent relation, - no more.

A man is reputed to have thought and eloquence; he cannot, for all that, say a word to his cousin or his uncle. They accuse his silence with as much reason as they would blame the insignificance of a dial in the shade. In the sun it will mark the hour.

Among those who enjoy his thought, he will regain his tongue.

[Ralph Waldo Emerson]
'Friendship', Self-Reliance and other essays, pg 46-7

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[On how a sane relationship might work]

Well, first you would not be preoccupied by whether it was working or not. You would be preoccupied by whether or not you enjoy or crave each other's company. So, it would not be working the way a business works. That would be exactly the wrong model.

It may be in time that we come to see friendship as our best picture of a working relationship. 

It may be, too, that we need accept that sexual relationships are inevitably unpredictable. One would not then measure the success of a relationship by how long it lasted.

Whether a relationship works for 20 years or for 20 days is not the question. The question is, is my life better with this person? And better, in this instance, does not mean more glamorous or richer or more alluring, there is more to it than that.

[Adam Phillips]
Observer Interview

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Sometimes I think we’re out of time with each other, just by a little but enough to feel it.

We’re like the wheels on one of those jackpot machines, spinning and spinning but never matching.

Sometimes we do. Three red cherries. Those are the good moments.


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Related posts:-
The Colour Wheel 
One to One 
The Devil is in the Details (and God is in the Generalities)
A Good Mix
Maintaing the Balance 

Everyday Idealism

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[...] health is produced by establishing a natural relation of control and subordination among the constituents of the body, disease by establishing an unnatural relation.

[Plato] 
The Republic (Penguin Classics Edition), p.154

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Idealism                   <------------>             Pragmatism
Long-sighted            <------------>            Short-sighted
Imaginative              <------------>             Realistic
What can be             <------------>             What is
Generalities              <------------>             Details
Thought                    <------------>             Action
Radiation                 <------------>              Gravity
Inflation                    <------------>             Deflation
Breathe In                 <------------>             Breathe Out
Diffuse                     <------------>              Pointed

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The pendulum swings equally both ways
Day follows night
Each complements the other, as dark complements light.
As a whole, we need an equal amount of each, for balance, for health.
But which side do we collectively place emphasis upon? And which do we turn our backs upon?

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Diagnosis
We are ill.
What are the symptoms? What are the causes? What are the remedies?


We identify the problems because the solutions lie in their opposites. Symptoms are simply imbalances. To address symptoms is to even up the scales. When we identify problems clearly, we also identify their solutions.

--

Q. Who are we?

We are all born somewhere between the two poles of pragmatism and idealism. None of us is entirely one or the other. We each contain a unique mix of both. Some will be more idealist than pragmatist, some more pragmatist than idealist. Those nearer to the middle of the scale will not readily identify themselves as either, and to them such labeling may seem unhelpful or untrue. They may say they are both, and it depends on the situation. This is because, being nearer to the middle, they cannot readily identify themselves as being nearer to either pole. They are lukewarm. Sometimes they think they're hot, sometimes cold. It depends. This is natural and normal.

It is those nearer to the extremes - pragmatism on one side, and idealism on the other - that will find truth in these labels. They feel the difference more readily.

We must understand our nature - and, importantly, understand that it is not only valid, but vital to the wider scene.

From there, we work to understand everyone's nature; and see how all fit into and complete a jigsaw.

--

Q. Why are we ill?
A. Our climate is toxic. In other words, it is critically imbalanced.

First we must understand that we are in a climate that is biased towards pragmatism. Commerce is a system predicated upon pragmatism. Not only that, but idealism is actually a threat towards its existence. People can think idealistically - they may even be able to act idealistically within certain carefully defined parameters - but Idealism cannot be given an equal placing at the table. It is a threatening substance and must be carefully controlled. When people think too idealistically they are unable to act as pragmatically - one negates the other. In the eyes of commerce, idealists think too much. Doing is better than thinking.

When the system that surrounds us - which dictates how we should act and think - is geared towards the pragmatic mentality, those of us that err more towards idealism will suffer many a blow at its hands. We will be continuously persecuted: misunderstood, overlooked, belittled, humiliated, bullied. Various words will be chucked our way in a general effort to get us to fit the status quo: naive, dreamer, unrealistic, vague, etc.

Unfortunately, many of us will not have the perspective or the tools to defend ourselves from this onslaught, and we may give in to the pressure to conform, learning to quiet a fundamental part of ourselves in the process. This is a travesty because in surpressing our idealism we are going against our nature.

In an environment of stifling pragmatism we - as idealists - are not only entitled, but obligated to demand more idealism from life. This is our message for the world, the one we were born to carry, and it is especially vital as remedy to the toxic imbalance of commerce. Commerce at its height is nothing more than rampant pragmatism: the short view carried to its lethal extreme. We are, as a whole, gagging for the long view. That is where idealism comes in.

The pendulum has swung too far the other way. Things are too flat, too crushing, too dead. We need more magic, more intensity, more peaks, more spirit, more romance. And not in the lives of characters in films or books; or celebrities - not second hand. In our lives. We are entitled to these things; more than that, we are ill through lack of them.

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Q. How do we get better?
A. Look after - defend - yourself. Once you are healthy, help bring balance to the wider scene. In other words, allow your idealism to flourish and to reinvigorate your environment. 


The pragmatic environment is one that works to ground things, to deflate and anchor them. In such a climate, the idealist - whose nature is inflation - must be very careful to conserve and to restore his energy, otherwise he risks becoming as deflated as the world that surrounds him. A measure of pragmatism is healthy for us - it stops us from drifting too far, from becoming lost in the clouds - but too much is toxic. 

We need restorative baths of idealism. Currently we may get these through watching certain films or reading certain books. In surrounding ourselves with characters that reflect this aspect of ourselves, and situations that allow it to flourish, we recharge our batteries. The danger here is that idealism becomes confined to fiction; a nice dream. We must restore ourselves in other ways, in ways that allow idealism to flow within our own - real - lives. This may mean orchestrating situations that kindle the flame. These can, and have, taken many forms: a Sun Dance, a Vision Quest, a sit around the campfire, a sweat-lodge, sharing a pipe, star-gazing, meditation, silent contemplation, silent non-contemplation, dancing, fighting, making love, being creative, storytelling, dreaming, creating, communing, questing, adventuring. Call them 'rituals', or 'ceremonies'. These are just words, for important things.

The first step is in understanding that idealism is not something to be ashamed of; or to grow out of. It is not something that only exists in films or books. Idealism has always flourished in fiction - but our age has made the mistake of severing the link between fiction and reality.  Whereas in bygone times fiction would have flowed into reality - informing thought and action -  now it serves as little more than a novelty: as way to pass time until we die. Messages no longer pass through the cell wall of culture and into the body of the collective. The walls have closed up: cultural forms have become prisons. But the natural home of idealism is where it has always been: within our day to day lives. We must make room for it.

Do not be afraid to be laughed at, or vilified. To offer an analogy: in an environment of hatred, those who express Love will be seen and treated as oddities; this does not make Love something to be ashamed of; and it certainly should not discourage us from expressing something that we know in our hearts to be good. It says more about the toxic nature of the environment than it does about the validity of Love. The same applies to Idealism. It is a necessary and important aspect of being human. Let it flow.

If you are an idealist and any of this resonates with you, then you with have an inkling yourself of how to give life to that important aspect of yourself. It starts in self-defence; in sticking up for your idealism and not allowing it to be crushed. Let them sneer. Become a laughing stock. But know that there are many others like you. And that your candle, as insignificant as it may seem when surrounded by such overwhelming darkness, is part of a dawning light. It will grow. Trust yourself, and believe in yourself.

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Related posts:-
The Colour Wheel
A Healthy Body
Get Real
You ought to be more like me 
The Right Match 
The Devil is in the Details (and God is in the Generalities)
Life Support 
Small Mind/Large Mind
Part of a System
Know Your Place 

Get Real

Broadly speaking, people can be put into two camps:

1. Realists/pragmatists
2. Idealists

Between these two extremes everyone falls. Some of us tend toward one side more than the other.

Our society is one that suits pragmatists. It is imbalanced in favour of this mode of thinking.

It is like a lens placed atop a colour-wheel, that shows some colours as they are whilst distorting or obscuring others.

It mainly consists of lots of short journeys from A to B. Take this to there. And don't ask too many questions. It has a strong current and it likes to flow. It is extremely hostile to things that threaten to disrupt this flow.

Thus, it likes those with the short-view. Those that can get on with things, do the tasks that need doing. Those that can get their head down (and so avoid seeing the bigger picture).

It prefers idealism to be kept to the realms of fiction, where it can do no real harm.

There is no place for idealists within day-to-day life. They are made to feel useless, their value ignored or ridiculed. They are called 'dreamers', a label that in a bygone era may have been taken as high-praise. They are a spare part; awkward, troublesome.

Yet pragmatists and idealist alike are a vital part of the whole organism, each with their role to play in the larger balance.

Inasmuch as they are opposites the two must always battle each other, and through this conflict a balance is struck. This is how it has been throughout the ages. But these days the battle is rigged, and the contest vastly one-sided.

Idealists are ridiculed for their lack of 'realism', a bizarre criticism akin to criticizing white for its lack of black, light for its lack of dark. Light may be annoying when we are trying to sleep - but it is vital when we trying to grow crops. Both have their place: it is context that defines their value.

We have lost the context - the right environment - for everyday idealism.

We shoehorn everyone into a small space - one unwisely biased toward pragmatists - and vilify those that struggle to fit.

The ongoing refrain of our society is "get real": in other words, abandon your idealism and run the other way.

For the sake of our collective health - health, of course, being a matter of balance - this voice must be matched with another: one that soars high and dares to dream.

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The elders do not see the details, they see the overall picture. If the overall pattern is good, the hardship of the details does not matter.

[Maildoma Patrice Somé]
Of Water and the Spirit, p. 311

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We are all deprived; we are all disappointed; and therefore we are all, in some sense, idealists.

The need to link the real and ideal is a perpetual tension, never resolved so long as life persists, but always productive of new, attempted solutions.

[Anthony Storr]
The Dynamics of Creation, p.237

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'Orange MEME' (Spiral Dynamics)

ORANGE embraces values and beliefs that stress materialism over spiritualism, pragmatism over principle, and short-range victories over longer term guarantees. There is a desire to get on with life and not bog down in quandaries of absolutism or picky, picky, picky theology.

[Don Edward Beck & Christopher C. Cowan]
Spiral Dynamics, p.251


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Related posts:-
The Colour Wheel
You ought to be more like me 
The Right Match 
The Devil is in the Details (and God is in the Generalities)
Life Support 
Small Mind/Large Mind
Part of a System
Know Your Place 
Beggars and Choosers